Doctor Feelgood
by The Archer Black
Summary: Doctors have to deal with many weird cases and demented patients, and Dock Knock is not an exception. These will be short series of one-shots focusing around Knockout and his patients. Places pre- and post war, in my own fan-made timeline. Warning: this is made of old, cheesy doctor jokes. Downloadable PDF version now available on my dA.
1. Digit-all

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy, old doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Digit-all.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

Doctor Knockout lifted his optics from tablet when he heard the door swooshing open. He wasn't very busy that particular day, but he wasn't complaining for boredom either.

He watched as an average looking Vehicon marched in. A ground pounder, slightly spooked, usual neglected paint with average set of scratches and scuffs. The foot soldier looked around and stepped from one pede to another. He looked uneasy.

"Yes?" Knockout decided to take the initiative.

"Umm... I think I'm sick?" The Vehicon said in a tone that suggested that he was asking.

"What makes you think so?" Knockout sighed a heavy vent. He wasn't the friendliest mech in existence but he was a medic and this was the infirmary. He wouldn't mind if his patients acted a bit less like small sparklings.

"Everything hurts." The Vehicon whined.

"What do you mean?" Knockout suddenly focused. This could be serious issue. There was no sickness that would make entire frame hurt, but there were few that caused various body parts to ache. And if this was something contagious, say a space rust, this would be very serious.

"Wherever I touch, it hurts." The Vehicon replied. "It hurts when I touch here." He poked his leg with the index digit of his right servo. "And here." He poked his left shoulder with the same digit. "And here, and here, and here too." He continued poking various areas on his body with the same digit. "It hurts everywhere I touch!"

"Hmm." Knockout narrowed his optics focusing on the Vehicon. "Your digit strut is broken." He finally said.

The Vehicon's jaw couldn't get loose, but he could glare at the doctor and then at his poor, broken digit.

TBC.

Oh yeah. This is such an old joke! But you've been warned.


	2. Dietary Requirements

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy, old doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Dietary requirements.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

Knockout observed the readouts of the scan that he just performed on his latest patient. It was yet another Vehicon, which wasn't any surprise on a ship where vast majority of personnel was made up of Vehicons.

This particular Vehicon was complaining about poor physical condition, he was tired and sleepy. This could be caused by many factors, although in this particular case Knockout didn't have to ponder much about the reasons for his patient's poor health. It was crystal clear. This particular Vehicon just returned from two week long round of guarding duty in one of the many energon mines. The energon mine guarding duty was boring, tiresome and tedious.

"Your scan is clear. You're just tired." Knockout finally spoke to the Vehicon on his diagnostic table. "You feel so badly because you're exhausted so I am putting into your file recommendation for rest, so Starscream won't send you to yet another mine. You need to rest for couple of days, relax a bit and make sure to get nourished properly."

"Does that mean a diet?" Vehicon rose slowly from the table.

"Just supplementation. You need to get some additional minerals to replenish your levels." Knockout picked a can from one of the shelves and handed it to the Vehicon. "Add this to your energon, quarter of a flute per one medium cube." He took a tablet and began to type in it. "You need to ingest some healthy energon, not that unrefined junk you had down there, no unhealthy additions that clog your fuel pump. Only easy to process blends that won't burn through your tank."

"What about High Grade?" Vehicon asked with note of hope in his voice.

"Oh yes, naturally." Knockout nodded ignoring the almost beaming Vehicon. "You can bring me any amount."

TBC.

I'm not sure how well this joke translates from Polish to English, but I'm kind of font of it.


	3. Defiant to the end

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy, old doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Defiant to the end.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

Two Vehicons stumbled into Knockout's infirmary, one was dragging the other who was hobbling awkwardly on one pede. Knockout didn't even bother to look back from what he was currently doing at his access station.

"Umm... Doctor?" The healthy Vehicon started.

"What is it?" Knockout's voice was calm, free of irritation. It seemed that the Decepticon Medic had a good day so far.

"Umm... I brought..." The healthy Vehicon decided to be a bit more bold. Things looked good so far.

"Ohh, just deposit him on the berth." Knockout waved his servo still not looking from his station. "I will take a look in a moment. And you may leave."

"Yes sir." The healthy Vehicon helped his injured companion to climb on the diagonal berth. Only now it was clear that the injuried Vehicon had damaged servo as well as the pede.

It took another fifteen minutes for the Dock Knock to finish whatever he was doing, the healthy Vehicon managed to leave a long time before that. The injured Vehicon stayed silent for that entire time. Knockout was in relatively good mood and any patient of his would prefer it to stay that way, staying silent and waiting politely was one of the strategies to keep the Doctor pleased. Relatively pleased, he was truly pleased when he had no patients and could just go out racing. Doing what the doctor said and not pestring was the second best though.

"What do we have here?" The injured Vehicon was pulled from his musings by Knockout pleasant voice. "What on this muddball appened to you?" He asked glaring at both the servo and the pede.

"I got struck by electric current." The Vehicon lifted his burned pede slightly.

"And what happened to your servo?"

"I struck back." The Vehicon replied shyly.

Knockout glared somewhere in space, seemengly zoning out for a moment and then threw a tantrum that would put angry Ratchet into shame.

TBC.

It was a challenge to translate this one from Polish to English. In Polish to be struck by electricity is called being "kicked by the current" (electric current = prąd elektryczny, shortened to "current" = "prąd"). I had to reverse the order (in original joke the victim is "kicked" in the arm and kicks back with the leg) so to make it work I had to make it the other way around because we strike with hands, not legs (legs are for kicking, arms/hands are for striking).


	4. Autopsy Decepsy

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin'you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Autopsy** **. Decepsy.**

oOo

 _Nemesis, shortly after Knockout and Breakdown's arrival. Infirmary._

The battle with Autobots was short yet intense. Autobots found their energon deposit ready for a pick up and decided to commandeer it because all is fair in war and love (in this case love for violence). Of course Decepticons were strongly against. All in all it was a draw which meant that Autobots didn't get the energon but the Vehicons got a good taste of their firepower. Mostly it was just scratches and a scorch or two. There were couple cases of more serious injuries that needed some considerable medical attention and one case requiring surgery.

Knockout on his end was racing the previous night and part of the morning and returned just in time to receive the batch of injured soldiers – enough to say that the Decepticon Medic was pretty tired. It was no surprise that he was relieved when he left the OR to end his shift and finally recharge. To his surprise he was greeted by none other than Starscream himself – the Acting Leader of Decepticons (due to Megatron's coma).

"Starscream, what brings you here?" The Medic asked whipping his servos from unidentified fluid.

"I am in charge am I not?" Starscream pointed out. "The Vehicons are my soldiers; I am here to ask how the surgery went."

"Surgery?" Knockout pulled surprised face, his ruby red optics round. "I thought it was an autopsy."

Starscream's jaw dropped. It was rare occurrence indeed when the Air Commander couldn't find any words.

TBC.

So yeah, this happens between episodes. Megatron is still out cold and Screamer is in charge.


	5. The Pain Killer

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor doctor, please_

 _Oh, the mess I'm in_

 _Doctor doctor, please oh, the mess I'm in (…)_ _"_ – UFO _"Docto, doctor"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **The Pain Killer.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Shortly after Megatron's recovery from coma. Knockout's infirmary._

There were bad days and there were epically bad days. This was the second kind. And for once it wasn't Autobots' fault. It was just stupid accident in a mine. An accident during Lord Megatron's visitation…

As a result he had now one injured Decepticon Tyrant on his medical berth. All because of the fact that energon mining is an underground business (except for strip mines but that was out of the question on Earth) and that means occasional pocket of gas. And flammable gas in enclosed underground setting is not just hazardous; it is simply something bad waiting to happen. And it happened. Luckily there was no energon involved in the explosion or else it would be a massacre. But one of the drills didn't survive and its parts were stuck in Megatron. Namely in his left side.

Knockout sighed. This was not how he planned on spending his time.

"Lord Megatron, would you care for some anaesthetics before I start?" Knockout asked eyeing the debris in Megatron's armour. It looked rather painful despite the fact that the plates were very thick.

"I can manage without it, but I would recommend it for you, Doctor." The Decepticon Lord replied and Knockout wasn't sure if the ex-Gladiator was joking or was serious.

TBC.

Yeah, this happens in the 1st season. The original joke is a dentist joke involving a boxer and pulling teeth, but I've changed it to fit the situation.


	6. Deep Cut

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin'you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Deep Cut.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

Life as Decepticon Medic on board of Megatron's flagship, Nemesis, wasn't easy one. Everyone expected Knockout to pull miracles, well, everyone that counted anyways, and there was only one person that truly mattered, namely Megatron. Knockout could deal with anyone else easily. But with Megatron it was always tough – the Decepticon One True Lord and Master would take the troops to the planet, tangle with Prime and his Autobots, the troops would somehow get massacred (Autobots were truly creative in it, Knockout found that out personally) and dragged to KO to put back together (and sometimes to take apart for spare parts).

This time was no different. Megatron took some troops, went to the planet side, started a brawl with Prime and dragged the Vehicons back. They have won in a way that the Prime didn't lay his servos on a nice, juicy energon deposit, but the troops were in sorry state nonetheless. And it was Knockout that had to deal with all that.

He just finished operating on one of the Vehicons and left for the bridge to report to Megatron who demanded to be notified about the state of his soldiers as soon as Knockout would be done.

When he entered the bridge he saw both Starscream and Soundwave debating with Megatron about something. He cleared his intake to politely announce his presence.

"Knockout, you have finished?" Megatron instantly focused his piercing optics on the Medic.

"Yes, Lord Megatron. And may I say that every time it's a new challenge…" He started to complain.

"How severe… "Megatron began asking a question when Beakdown's voice filled the air – the mech was communicating via public .

[[Hey KO, I've been tidying up and I've noticed that it is the third berth that you have ruined this month. Could you not cut that deep?]]

"About that… "Knockout grinned looking at the three mechs in front of him. Megatron's faceplates bore the same look as when he was facing one of Starscream's infamous failures.

TBC.


	7. Recruit

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin'you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Recruit.**

oOo

 _Kaon. Wartime, shortly before exodus._

Physical exam of new soldiers was a duty that all military doctors on both sides of the conflict had to perform at some point. And all doctors were military doctors during war. Knockout lost count of just how many soldiers he examined, all standard procedures that were 80 per cents of bureaucracy and 20 per cents of actual physicals.

New batch of Vehicons freshly out of boot camp just reached Kaon HQ and it was physicals' day for medical staff. Knockout wished he had a day off. The war wasn't going as well as it should, energon was running short and Autobots were up to something. Batches of Vehicons were smaller and smaller each time, this one was only one quarter of the initial number but medics were in short supply too.

Knockout just called in his last Vehicon, just this one and he'd be free. He picked a tablet to fill the form before doing the actual examination. The soldier that entered was a ground pounder as most of the Vehicons Knockout dealt with. He himself was a grounder; someone probably thought it would be best to send him the same frame type as his own. KO didn't really care.

"Rank, designation and gender." Knockout asked in bored tone of someone who asked the same question countless times.

"Private 6A – V1 – N01), mech." The Vehicon answered obediently.

Knockout asked few more questions and noting the answers in the chart. And then came the last question.

"Have you ever participated in any accident?" KO asked. If anyone would ask him this question was ridiculous, these were fresh Vehicons, what accidents they could have?

"Yes." Came a firm reply.

"Come again?" Knockout's optics rounded. That was new. "What kind of accident?"

"We were flying in the transport craft and went into a tunnel." The Vehicon started.

"And it crashed?" Knockout guessed.

"No, nothing like that. Instead of one cute femme I accidentally kissed my sergeant." The Vehicon admitted.

TBC.

1) Yes, the 6A – V1 – N0, the one known as Gavin the pervy Vehicon.


	8. Temper

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin'you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Temper.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

It wasn't common occurrence to find Lord Megatron, Warlord and One True Lord and Master of all Decepticons, in infirmary as a patient. It happened, he was a Cybertronian after all, but rarely, mostly when he was wounded and even then it had to be something serious. One thing Knockout had to admit about Megatron is that the mech was not hypochondriac.

But seeing Lord Megatron being almost dragged to the infirmary by Starscream of all people was not something Knockout would expect. If asked he'd say that he would sooner expect to catch Soundwave performing 'Singin' in the Rain' in actual rain and with an umbrella, using his own voice and not an original recording from the movie. And yet here they were.

Somehow Starscream managed to convince, force or beg (or perhaps all three) Megatron to actually go to the doctor. The Air Commander was strangely dutiful lately, most people believed that he just felt threatened by return of Shockwave, especially that everyone knew that Shockwave was Megatron's true Second in Command and Starscream was just a stand in with Soundwave being trusted TIC regardless of who was the SIC. But Starscream was still the Air Commander and he believed that it meant that he was competent enough to be the SIC. Megatron remained silent about it so far.

Knockout didn't want to think about the high command inner politics, it didn't seem to be healthy situation. He just did what he was asked and scanned Lord Megatron.

"Lord Megatron, the scans are clear, you do not have any physical illness." Knockout said putting the scanner away. "It seems to me that your symptoms are caused by excessive stress. You need to rest and relax."

"See Master? See?" Starscream screeched in his most rasping voice. "I keep on telling you the exact same thing hundreds of times a day!"

TBC.

It happens between "Beauty of the Beast" and "Hammerhead".

It was meant to be the last chapter, but I have found two more jokes that are fit for Knockout.


	9. Audio-video

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin'you (…)"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Audio-video**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

Sometimes Knockout thought that his life would be easier if the Decepticon army wouldn't be composed of Vehicons who despite having many good qualities had also many bad ones, one of which being short attention span.

One of proofs for his belief just walked into his infirmary and he was certain that it was yet another case of Vehicons nonsense.

The soldier had both sides of their head covered in field dressing composed of polymer and some anti-rust solvent.

"And what happened to you?" Knockout asked gesturing for the soldier to climb on the medical berth.

"I have been sent for performing some minor field repairs on broken mining drill." The Vehicon replied and Knockout noticed to his surprise that this one was a femme. "I was welding some damaged plating on the machine when my pinged." The Vehicon made the universal gesture of opening the connection: bringing the servo to the audio receptor.

Knockout glared at the femme in front of him for a moment, comprehending what just happened, picturing the accident.

"And what happened to your other audio?" He gestured to the other side of his patient's head.

"I wanted to call for help." The femme admitted not meeting doctor's optics.

Knockout didn't reply to that, there was no need. He was now reassured in his firm belief that Vehicons had no detectable attention span. He just removed the field dressing and began assessing the burns.

TBC.


	10. Sleeping Pills

**Doctor Feelgood.**

" _Doctor, doctor, give me the news_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin' you_

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill_

 _I've got a bad case of lovin'you (…)_ _"_ – Robert Palmer _"Bad case of lovin' you"._

 **Warnings** : cheesy doctor jokes.

Timing: my very own Beauty of the Beast Prime timeline.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Transformers Prime © Hasbro. Story's plot and OC's © me. There may be some OC's that aren't mine – they belong to their respective creators.

 **Sleeping pills.**

oOo

 _Nemesis. Knockout's infirmary._

There was nothing more Knockout wanted than to be able to finally recharge in peace. A nice cycle of rest. But such was the fate of the only medic on board that more often than it was healthy he was denied that right. Most often just after a battle with Autobots or when Starscream ended up on Megatron's receiving end. Battles resulted in infirmary filled with wounded troopers and sometimes officers that required medical attention. When it was Starscream vs. Megatron's fists it usually was one whiny but demanding Air Commander.

This time it was a mix – it was the former case's scenario with the latter case's patient. Knockout was ready to swear that the universe hated him. Luckily at this time of the day, or rather night, it was calm, but he still had work to do, work that he couldn't do earlier due to tending to Starscream.

Knockout sighed and focused on some reports he had to fill (or else he would have to answer to Soundwave) when the door opened and Breakdown marched in bearing troubled face. The large mech walked to Starscream's medical berth where the wounded Seeker was recharging like a sparkling and began to shake the sleeping Air Commander.

Knockout observed with shock as Starscream's optics opened on came on-line. The Nemesis' SIC seemed a bit disoriented about the reasons for being wakened.

"What?" He squeaked sleepily.

Breakdown presented him with what seemed as small, softly blue energon glob with some colourful bits inside.

"You forgot to take your sleeping pill." The ex-Stunticon explained.

Knockout didn't saw Starscream's expression because he was too busy facepalming – scrap, there went peace and quiet.

The End.


End file.
